The Undermined Times

It's hard to trust your gut when you are a parent. You want to, you try to, but there is a little nagging feeling in the back of your mind, reminding you that you are new to this, and that there is a good chance your child will be asking you to fund their shrink bills when they're 25 years old (retaliate: show them the receipts you haven't got around to throwing out, your pot belly, your grey hair and your mortgage repayments). Until that rather awkward discussion ensures a quarter of a century from now (yikes), here's a list of people you may find yourself listening to at midnight, after a 4 hour battle at bedtime (or feeding, or bathing, or whatever plays to the tune of Merry Hell in your household on a daily basis):

1. Oprah. Come on. She's Oprah. She's bound to have something on her website, TV show, other TV show and magazine that will help.
2. Dr Phil. Same, but with a mo and a degree in RE-AL-ITY, people!
3. Dr Oz. Same again, but with a California tan and an ability to make every topic about your sex life.
4. Other mums. And not just friends. People in the supermarket line.
5. Your mum or MIL. If they can manage to get past telling you how gorgeous your child is, and how utterly perfect he is, there is some good advice in there.
6. Parenting magazines. These things are mine fields, and usually result in you second-guessing everything from how you settle your baby to what brand of wipes you use and how you decorate the nursery.
7. Books. Same, but with fewer adverts and more pages.
8. Health professionals. This can be a hit or miss area. If you find a GP who is supportive with current baby knowledge and a gentle approach, court them. Flowers, candy, the whole bit.
9. Strangers in the cafe who tsk and give you that "aw, you don't really know what you're doing, do you, darling?" look that makes you want to throw the nearest thing at hand in their direction (which you don't because despite the secret urge to piff your kid at them, you don't. And that's what makes you a good mum). Their advice is usually that your baby is either tired or hungry. Not a genius observation, really. I mean, they're hardly arching their back and grizzling because they're frustrated by the stance taken by the Labour Party on gay marriage.
10. Parenting websites. Kinda like magazines, only with endless amounts of anecdotes, quasi-scientific "facts" or bullshit wives tales from 'ordinary mums, just like you'.

So there you have it. Either one of these will provide the magic bullet, or drive you nuts. Whatever happens, eventually your sweet one will grow out of whatever it is that causes you to consider tracking down Mary Poppins*, or you will move them into the garage when they are too big to rock in your arms and change the locks.

*Fictional character. Try to eat your greens and get more sleep.

More things you will worry about

So you made it through 9 long months of pregnancy, the wild ride that is labour went fine (apart from, you know, the normal, crazy shit that happens) and you have your wee one in your arms, pink and breathing. And then it hits you: compared to what lies ahead, you had nothing to worry about when your baby was nestled safely  in your womb. The easy bit is done. Now comes (gulp) parenting, and with it bigger, better, crazier Mummy Worry. Here's just a few of the things you will worry about in the first 6 months:

1. Feeding: Is my baby getting enough? Too much? Is my supply drying up? Why is one boob massive? There are a billion questions that run through your mind about feeding. Even if your baby feeds perfectly, like one of those ones in the DVDs, you will never feel as confident as the smiling mum on the pamphlet. What does happen, however, is you feel a smidge more confident every day, and eventually get to the point where, although you probably still think it, you have worked out what is of genuine concern and what is down to Mummy Worry (different from Feel-it-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach Worry, of course. That one you should listen to). And don't think that you're a "bad mum" if you don't find every feed a transcending act of pure love: there will be multiple times when it's a pain in the bum, especially once you little squish starts looking around and finding everything other than your boob or the bottle super interesting.
2. Poo and wee: Again, you get better with this, although every time it changes ("What the heck is that??"), Mummy Worry kicks in again. I'd like to take a moment to thank the good people of the Patent Helpline(1300 364 300) for talking me through poo on more than one occasion. Being a GI nurse, adult poo I understand, but baby poo is a total mystery to me. As for nappy changing: there is no shame in calling for reinforcements in the face of a poonami if someone else is home. If you're  home alone, you're on your own. Good luck keeping the tiny fingers out of it whilst you clean up. 
3. Sleep: Ahhhhhh sleep: the endless battle in our house. The more tired they get, the harder it is to get them to sleep. Initially, bubs falls asleep on you more often than not. It's beautiful, serene, absolutely the loveliest thing in the world. And then they start to grow up a little, start looking around, taking an interest in more than just your boob... And then it's on for young and old. As someone who has sought advice from midwives and friends, and has tried all of the "right things", I am now painfully aware that there is no right. I'd love for Jnr to nap in his cot every day and sleep in it all night, but battling with him for an hour and a half, only to get a 30 min nap out of it, is not worth it. So keep using the pram, chair, car rides, cot, your bed, the boob/bottle, the magic Sleep Dance - whatever - and nuts to the advice. Our biggest asset is his bouncer. He's growing out of it, so last week I bought a bigger one online. If he grows out of that and needs a bigger one, well screw it, I'll find one. Sleep = sanity.
4. Your sleep: If I hear one more "sleep when he sleeps" chant, I'll die. If I sleep when he sleeps, I wont eat meals or see my husband. I don't run around like a crazy woman when he's napping, but I get a few things done, then sit down and have a rest and a coffee (well, chocolate. The coffee just makes me feel better about eating chocolate at 10am). Actually, that's not true: coffee first, then jobs, since I never know how long I've got before I hear "eeeeaaaabllllaaaaaaargh" (that's his yawn-cry-stretchy he thing he does on waking) and have to drop everything.
5. Your sanity: Trying to use toy keys to start the car; sunnies in the fridge; kettle in the coffee cupboard... Just a few of my greatest hits to date. As long as you don't leave your baby on the roof of your car, don't stress: these little stories are endearing and provide endless amusement for friends and family.
6. Your relationship: Just kidding. Neither of you have time to worry about this. You can restart date night when your baby turns one. Maybe...
7. Playtime: Of course you want the best start for your baby. Genius status might be a reach (not in our case *cough*) but you want him to be equipped with the knowledge every child needs: walking, talking, counting, reading, writing, basic accounting skills... So, are your silly songs and bouts of rolling around on the floor enough? Pfft. Sure! The other stuff can come from trained professionals at child care or kindy, right?
8. Measuring up: Stop comparing yourself to other parents right now. Remember that most of them lie, whether deliberately to make themselves feel better, or accidentally because the last 6 months have been a complete blur and they have forgotten half of it. Surround yourself with people who say things like, "Meh. As long as he sleeps, don't worry where" and "Ooh, he looks healthy and happy and is certainly a genius, etc".
   
   Then things start to get a little crazy...
   
   
9. Will he have friends? A partner? Kids? A job? Will he find purpose? Will he be good at sports, writing, accounting...? 
10. Will I be able to juggle work and mummy-stuff? Will by baked goods cut it at school fairs? OMG SCHOOL! Will I send him to the right one? Will he do well? Get into uni or a good job? Make enough money to keep me in my old age?

Take a deep breath, put your feet up and dunk some chocolate in your coffee. You have about as much control over this stuff as you did over your labour: a little bit, but mostly you have to let go and enjoy the ride, even the painful bits... 

Things you will worry about

From the moment you find out you are pregnant, Mummy Worry kicks in (the sister of Mummy Guilt, but that's a whole other post). There is also Daddy Worry and Daddy Guilt, but I wont speak for dads. I'm not usually a worrier, but pregnancy had me hand-wringing on more than one occasion. Here are ten of the things you are likely to worry about during your pregnancy (in no particular order):

1. That hangover you had? Yeah, that was morning sickness. And did you have to order cocktails with raw egg in them? Because what the alcohol needed was a risk of salmonella on top of it... Seriously, it's done. All you can do now is avoid egg-based cocktails. Well, all cocktails, actually. And all other alcohol. But you know the drill. Babies are pretty resilient, anyway: I had no idea I was pregnant over Christmas and New Year, and unless they were by the book, most of your friends will have similar stories (unless they're Mormon, Muslim...)
2. The ham you ate last week because you really missed it. But it was freshly sliced from a reputable deli, and you only ate 2 slices, both from the middle...
3. You limp to the magical 12 weeks, only to suddenly recall every story you have ever read/seen/heard about the zillion other complications that can happen between now and labour... Deep breaths, deep breaths. Apart from following the guidelines and advice from your midwife/GP/OBGY, and reconsidering a third Kit Kat for the day, you have no control over this. Let it go and you will sleep better, I promise.
4. Labour. Seriously, don't worry about it. Like it or not, that baby is going to come out of you, and it ain't gonna be easy. Stay away from shows like "One Born Every Minute" and don't listen to other people's stories; just because theirs felt like a tickle or like they were having their very own John Hurt moment doesn't mean your experience will be anything like it. Just surround yourself with people who will chant "You can do it!" whenever you give them the look.
5. Living off Barbecue Shapes and Kit Kats? Meh! If you aren't providing your baby with what he needs from your oral intake, he'll leech it out of your very bones. Try to eat at least one vegetable a day so you don't feel completely shithouse.
6. So you worry about how much baby weight you are gaining? Don't bother. Unless you are eating Hungry Jacks 6 meals a day, it really is out of your hands. As for losing it later, forget about that until your baby has at least started solids. You think you're hungry now. Breast feeding is a whole other ball game in the snacking stakes. The local supermarket can barely keep up.
7. Oh God. Will my feet change size? (this was a big one for me, and Imedla Marcos). For the first 6 weeks you rarely don shoes. Then you have Mummy Worry related to carrying your baby whilst wearing heels, so you live in flats anyway. You kid yourself for the first 4 months that you will be going somewhere without your wee one that necessitates frocking up. Then reality sets in and you do a massive Salvos run, then avoid the shoe department in every store you go to. If you need a shoe-buying fix, buy your baby some. Not that he'll need to wear any for ages. They're just so darn cute!
8. Will my baby be born with a disability? They can't test for everything, and the tests that they can do aren't very accurate anyway. Try not to waste cortisol on it.
9. Am I a bad person for hoping my baby wont be born with a disability? No. And that doesn't mean if your child does have a disability you will love him any less, or that you take issue with disability. 
10. Will my baby be cute? The answer to that one is easy: yes, but not as cute as mine.

And this one is for the benefit of my husband, who busted me Googling it on more than one occasion and had to listen to me obsess over it: the effect of vitamin A (obtained predominantly from the buckets of Milo I consumed) on my unborn baby. What a waste of energy that was. Firstly  there is bugger all information out there about it, and no credible research. Secondly, it didn't stop me. Thirdly, he's okay!

A new mum's guide to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Ask anyone who knows me; my greatest fear is zombies. Well, zombies and spiders. My husband recently asked me what I would do if there was a Zombie Spider Apocalypse. After I regained consciousnesses, I started to wonder.. What would I do in the event of a regular Zombie Apocalypse (ZA)? In the old days, it would have been a matter of ensuring my own survival until I ran out of ammo, food or steam, at which point I'd drink the last of my whisky supply (in this scenario I drink whisky), grab the nearest blunt object and run out into the gaggle of waiting zombies (yeah, I'm saying it's a gaggle) and go down swinging and cussing. Now that I'm a mum, however, failure is not an option. I've seen too many of those Omen-type movies to even entertain the notion that my precious baby could become a flesh-eating monster (great. Now there's a fresh nightmare for me tonight). So, how would I meet the basic needs of my 5 mo baby during the inevitable ZA?

1. Carrying your baby : When the ZA hits, you need to be able to run and jump over various obstacles, such as discarded treasured possessions, abandoned military road blocks and dead bodies. A pram will not cut it. You'll have a flat quicker than you can say "Did we just run over broken glass?". And don't even bother with a Baby Bjorn. Sure, it got you from the car to the boardwalk on a sunny day before the world was being overrun by the living dead, but they have little back support and your baby is likely to fly out as you bound across rooftops. Go for something versatile like a cotton  woven wrap, so you can have your baby securely on your back, keeping your hands free to wield a shot gun or practice your knife skills. After a particularly nasty attack, you can swing your baby to your front where he can nuzzle on your chest and listen to your heart beat, calming him down. You can provide all the comfort of a long hug without the back pain. In a pinch, your wrap can be used as a baby hammock, a blanket, or something to shimmy down the side of a building for a quick supplies dash. Another advantage is the wash-and-wear factor: good luck getting zombie brains out of a Bjorn. The world may have gone to hell, but hygiene is still important.
2. Feeding your baby : Here's hoping you can breast feed, because finding formula when there isn't a ZA can be a bitch. With gas and electricity the first things to go (after mobile reception), you're only going to be able to bunk down in places where you can light a fire unseen so you can sterilize bottles and heat formula. Of course, still being able to make milk under such extreme stress with poor access to food and water is going to be a challenge as well. There is nothing wrong with saying to your troop/spouse/only-other-survivor that you need to sit this one out so you can rest and make milk. If you get the "as-if" look, hand them the hungry, crying baby while you do the watch and see how long they last. In the end, you may have to combine formula and breast feeding to meet the nutritional needs of your growing child. Now is not the time to go into the debate. Much like in normal life, you feed your baby any way you can and nuts to the nay-sayers. If it's safe start solids, consider baby lead weaning so you don't have to make pureed meals; during the ZA, no mum has time to cook separate meals for her family (just avoid things like peanut butter; the last thing you want is to discover your baby is allergic to nuts with the nearest children's hospital overrun with brain-chewing deadies).
3. Sleep : You need to sleep. You need your energy not only to decapitate the walking dead who stand between you and the boarded up 7-Eleven, but to remain patient with your baby. Remember, throughout this chaos, your darling one still needs to take those big, overwhelming developmental leaps (the sooner he can hold his own head up the better) and you need to be there for him, providing loving understanding. Try to get at least 4 hours of sleep a day. Broken is fine. You should be used to this anyway. Remember that a bedtime routine is an important way to ensure your baby feels safe and secure, and to signal that it's time to go off to dreamland. Don't rely on anything physical, such as a bath, TV show or blankie, because there wont be hot water, Giggle and Hoot have long since been turned into hideous beasties that send shivers up your spine (wait. Undead hideous beasties) and you used the blankie to tie off the wound from a stray bullet weeks ago. Sing the same song, tell the same story. That should be enough. It doesn't matter where he sleeps, as long as your precious little bundle sleeps.
4. Play : Fortunately, babies don't need Fisher Price toys to have fun and learn; empty ammo boxes, tin cups and an old rag are fine for playtime. Try to allow about 30 mins, 3 times a day for play. You may have to throw bubba on your back and sing nursery rhymes while you're on lookout. An added bonus is the lullabies may subdue the zombies.
5. Nappies : If ever there was a time to be okay with cloth nappies, it's now. If there is some warning of the impending ZA, leg it to your nearest baby store and buy 6 modern cloth nappies. That should do you for a 24 hour period; it's not ideal, but you don't want to be lugging around more than that, let alone 15 boxes of Huggies (which will run out rapidly, buy the way). Go for the all-in-one type so you're not fiddling around with a cover when the undead are baring down on you. As for wipes, our mother's mothers used flannels and water and I don't recall hearing my mum complain about having a raw arse 50 years later.
6. Communication : If you bought the Baby Sign Language app and not the book, you're screwed. Try to learn the new cries that you baby will quickly develop during the first days of ZA to ensure you can respond appropriately. Sure, you know the difference between your baby's "I'm hungry" cry and his "I'm tired" cry, but what about his "there's a zombie behind you" cry versus his "there's 42 zombies behind you and they look angry and hungry" cry? Get well versed real quick. That tiny person you're wearing is like having eyes in the back of your head.

It's important to note that all of these things (except, of course, breast feeding) can be done equally as well by daddy. Sometimes mummies just need a little break from the 24/7 of parenting. Remember to take time out for yourself: Go for a rooftop jog, read an old, blood-splattered chick magazine or practice your sniper skills without having to divert your attention every 4 minutes to your baby. If you haven't had to throw your spouse to the zombies to save your baby yet, try to have date night once a week; let your man know that even though life has changed with the arrival of your precious baby and a weird virus that causes the dead to rise up and attack the living, he is important to you.

Mommy Fail #16

I was on Pinterest this morning ("What?", you cry, "As if!") while my baby had a disappointingly short nap (again, "What?". Oh yes) and came across this little gem : http://www.funkyjunkinteriors.net/2013/01/my-6-ridiculously-easy-free-life.html.

6 changes to my every day life to cement eternal happiness. I thought to myself, that looks easy enough; I'll start today! Now, what is important to note is I'm still being woken 1.5-2 hourly overnight for a feed, napping during the day is a little haphazard, and our bedtime routine from start to finish is about 3 hours. The lady who writes this blog has grown children. So, you know. She gets some sleep. She also gets paid to blog this crap, while I whittle away the hours blogging for free when I really should be attaching chalkboard labels to everything in my craft cupboard and whipping up decoupage picture frames.

So here's my attempt at her "ridiculously easy, free, life changing habits" (Day 1... Just kidding. Day.):

1. Walk: Hmm. Seems straight forward enough, right? Well, with the pram out of action, I had to strap on the ol' Baby Bjorn. Not too bad, but given my persistent lower back pain, I can only handle strapping 7kg of wriggling baby to my front for about 15 minutes. But I did it. And did I feel good after? Not really. I needed a couple of panadol and a lie down.

2. Water: Fill 8 glasses with water at the start of the day, you say? I don't think we own 8 water glasses. Wine glasses, yes, but I figured this would lead to a desire to fill the wine glasses with the sweet elixir for which they were intended (also, I didn't want to offend them). I decided on one glass (I usually drink from a water bottle) and filled it after each drink. I made about 2 glasses, then forgot about it and drank from my water bottle anyway. I'm going to count this as a success, although I have no idea how much I actually had.

3. Time Yourself (on the internet): Firstly, who has a kitchen timer? Secondly, I had intended only to go online when O was sleeping. Today was one of his "sleep is for the weak!" days, and 3 blocks of 10-20 minutes is not enough time to read all the mommy blogs out there (one of those sleeps was on me, so I couldn't even log on!).

4. Eat Fresh: Well, I can be forgiven for the PB on toast for brekkie, given I hadn't stumbled across this recipe for a perfect life at that stage. I had a lovely salmon and salad roll, which I had made while O was happy and had it ready-to-go. Pretty good, I thought. Probably the Vita Britz for dinner wasn't really what she would consider eating 'fresh', but they hit the spot. Counting the amount of chocolate I have had is about as useful as counting how many hours I spend online in a 24 hour period, so I haven't bothered with that.

5. Work off a list: I used to do this when I was working. It was helpful, but often you needed other people to be on board to ensure certain things were done (eg "Call Joe" can only be crossed of your list if Joe actually answers his phone). This is the case when staying at home with kids, except the list is longer, there are no scheduled breaks and, well, you don't get much further than "get up, get dressed" some days ("keeping child/ren alive" is a given. If you have to write that one down, you've got bigger problems than not drinking 8 glasses of water a day).

6. Decent bedtime: Pfft.

Sorry: you will never catch up on lost sleep.

I spend a lot of time thinking, talking and fantasizing about sleep : my baby's sleep, my sleep... Honestly, I'm not that concerned about my husband's sleep. People warn you about this before you have children (the sleep thing, not your disregard for your husband's needs. No-one mentions that. Perhaps it's a given?). Depending on your stage in life, you are likely to have the following opinion on baby-induced sleep deprivation:

• If you aren't planning a family : "Ugh! Enough already! If you love sleep so much, why did you have kids?"
• If you are thinking about possibly planning a family : "Oooh babies are so cute! They're so peaceful when they sleep! (insert misty eyes here)"
• If you are actively planning a family : "Oooh babies are so cute! Oh, we have to, er, go, it's time to, er *cough*... It's only a 36 hour window, ok?"
• If you are pregnant : "Pfft. I don't get much sleep as it is with this tiny baby kicking me all night long! I will be able to handle it"
• If you have one baby : "OH MY GOD I just want more than 2 hours straight! I've aged 10 years. *Grooooaaaaaannnnn*"
• If you have more than one child : "*snort* Wha..? Oh, yeah. Nah, we got 2 hours straight last night, which was nice. So, you know. All good. Wait. What were we talking about? Is that chocolate over there?"

Organise your home! (Mommy myth #7)

I spend a fair amount of time on Pinterest. I feed the wee one lying down more often than not, so it's easy to set the iPad up and read while he drinks. That's my excuse, anyway. Man, there are a lot of uses for Nutella in cooking, and vinegar in cleaning. And bucket loads from SAHMs (stay at home 'moms') on how to organise your house, finances, family, faith, marriage... Here are my top tips from the internet on how to stay super on top of things when you are sleep deprived and every moment of your time is spend either interacting with your baby or drinking coffee while they sleep for 40 minutes, and how we have incorporated them into our lives.

Advice: Organise your pantry so that the least used items are on the top shelf, the most used items in the middle shelves, and bulk items on the lowest shelf. Make sure all of your packaged foods are in matching, clear containers that are labelled. 

Close enough: Our appliances are on the top shelf (stock pot, rice cooker and such). In the middle shelves is a wonderful mix of canned goods, pasta of all shapes and sizes, rice, tinned soup that has salt as the main ingredient, and an alarming number of half full (I'm an optimist) packets of crackers. The bottom shelf contains empty, matching, clear containers, ready-to-go, as well as an alarming number of canned tomatoes (my husband can't resist them when they're on special. Mock us now, but when the Zombpocolyps hits, we'll be happily chowing down on cold tinned tomatoes, waiting for the military to rescue us).

Advice: When you cook your evening meal, try to cook extra so you can freeze it and have it on a night when you're too busy to cook. This will stop you from ordering unhealthy take-away meals, saving you money and calories.

Close enough: When people come over, ask them to bring food so you can stock your freezer. When you can't be bothered reheating anything or cooking toast, press one on your speed dial, ask for the usual, and - hang the expense - get it delivered (the cost of going out after 4pm is too high).

Advice: It's important to maintain your hobbies when you have children, so you don't lose your identity, and can have some much-needed "me time". Use pretty boxes to organise your hobby items, and clearly label them. Have a designated room or nook where you can comfortably work and store your things.

Close enough: Stuff things haphazardly into the pretty boxes you bought from Ikea when you went in just to buy a whisk, labeling them as "craft" and place in the spare cupboard. Anything that comes in the post for one of six of your new hobbies you decided on at 3am after reading Pinterest, shove into a new box and experience the joy (and slight shame) of rediscovering it, unopened, 12 months from now. Yay! New hobby!

Advice: Set aside time with your spouse and show him how much you love him by cooking a special meal, presenting him with a home made card, or working on a hobby together, such as scrap booking.

Close enough: Greet your spouse when s/he walks in the door with more than a grunt. Organise baby sitting so you can go out for a few hours, then cancel it at the last minute because a) bubs is sick/whingey/wired, b) bubs is asleep and you want to enjoy the quiet in the comfort of your PJs, or c) sitting on the couch, staring at the same TV set at the same time after spending 3 hours getting your baby to sleep is quality time enough.

Advice: Make time to exercise. Try to do it as a family.

Close enough: When you can't settle your baby, pop him in the pram, pull on some shoes and stagger down the road. This is a good time to talk to each other about your day, the news, and how much you love your child despite having to walk him in your PJs at 1130pm to get him to sleep (after trying for 3 hours). In all honesty, those have been some really enjoyable moments :)

Advice: Love Jesus. Go to church.

Close enough: I have a hand knitted St Anthony doll that helps me find stuff after I've lost it. Works every time. Can I get a "Hallelujah!"?

Advice: Write down everything you spend, then write a budget and stick to it. Include fortnightly, monthly and yearly columns, and make sure you are saving 10% of your earnings.

Close enough: Select 'savings' over 'credit' when at the checkout. Pay your bills before the angry red letter.

I forgot to mention, you really must blog about every little thing you do. Make sure you sound like you are completely on top of things, and never forget to emphasise that, without your loving husband, beautiful children, sweet puppy and love for Jesus, you'd never get anything done. And none of your binders would match.