Mommy Fail #16

I was on Pinterest this morning ("What?", you cry, "As if!") while my baby had a disappointingly short nap (again, "What?". Oh yes) and came across this little gem : http://www.funkyjunkinteriors.net/2013/01/my-6-ridiculously-easy-free-life.html.

6 changes to my every day life to cement eternal happiness. I thought to myself, that looks easy enough; I'll start today! Now, what is important to note is I'm still being woken 1.5-2 hourly overnight for a feed, napping during the day is a little haphazard, and our bedtime routine from start to finish is about 3 hours. The lady who writes this blog has grown children. So, you know. She gets some sleep. She also gets paid to blog this crap, while I whittle away the hours blogging for free when I really should be attaching chalkboard labels to everything in my craft cupboard and whipping up decoupage picture frames.

So here's my attempt at her "ridiculously easy, free, life changing habits" (Day 1... Just kidding. Day.):

1. Walk: Hmm. Seems straight forward enough, right? Well, with the pram out of action, I had to strap on the ol' Baby Bjorn. Not too bad, but given my persistent lower back pain, I can only handle strapping 7kg of wriggling baby to my front for about 15 minutes. But I did it. And did I feel good after? Not really. I needed a couple of panadol and a lie down.

2. Water: Fill 8 glasses with water at the start of the day, you say? I don't think we own 8 water glasses. Wine glasses, yes, but I figured this would lead to a desire to fill the wine glasses with the sweet elixir for which they were intended (also, I didn't want to offend them). I decided on one glass (I usually drink from a water bottle) and filled it after each drink. I made about 2 glasses, then forgot about it and drank from my water bottle anyway. I'm going to count this as a success, although I have no idea how much I actually had.

3. Time Yourself (on the internet): Firstly, who has a kitchen timer? Secondly, I had intended only to go online when O was sleeping. Today was one of his "sleep is for the weak!" days, and 3 blocks of 10-20 minutes is not enough time to read all the mommy blogs out there (one of those sleeps was on me, so I couldn't even log on!).

4. Eat Fresh: Well, I can be forgiven for the PB on toast for brekkie, given I hadn't stumbled across this recipe for a perfect life at that stage. I had a lovely salmon and salad roll, which I had made while O was happy and had it ready-to-go. Pretty good, I thought. Probably the Vita Britz for dinner wasn't really what she would consider eating 'fresh', but they hit the spot. Counting the amount of chocolate I have had is about as useful as counting how many hours I spend online in a 24 hour period, so I haven't bothered with that.

5. Work off a list: I used to do this when I was working. It was helpful, but often you needed other people to be on board to ensure certain things were done (eg "Call Joe" can only be crossed of your list if Joe actually answers his phone). This is the case when staying at home with kids, except the list is longer, there are no scheduled breaks and, well, you don't get much further than "get up, get dressed" some days ("keeping child/ren alive" is a given. If you have to write that one down, you've got bigger problems than not drinking 8 glasses of water a day).

6. Decent bedtime: Pfft.

Sorry: you will never catch up on lost sleep.

I spend a lot of time thinking, talking and fantasizing about sleep : my baby's sleep, my sleep... Honestly, I'm not that concerned about my husband's sleep. People warn you about this before you have children (the sleep thing, not your disregard for your husband's needs. No-one mentions that. Perhaps it's a given?). Depending on your stage in life, you are likely to have the following opinion on baby-induced sleep deprivation:

• If you aren't planning a family : "Ugh! Enough already! If you love sleep so much, why did you have kids?"
• If you are thinking about possibly planning a family : "Oooh babies are so cute! They're so peaceful when they sleep! (insert misty eyes here)"
• If you are actively planning a family : "Oooh babies are so cute! Oh, we have to, er, go, it's time to, er *cough*... It's only a 36 hour window, ok?"
• If you are pregnant : "Pfft. I don't get much sleep as it is with this tiny baby kicking me all night long! I will be able to handle it"
• If you have one baby : "OH MY GOD I just want more than 2 hours straight! I've aged 10 years. *Grooooaaaaaannnnn*"
• If you have more than one child : "*snort* Wha..? Oh, yeah. Nah, we got 2 hours straight last night, which was nice. So, you know. All good. Wait. What were we talking about? Is that chocolate over there?"

Organise your home! (Mommy myth #7)

I spend a fair amount of time on Pinterest. I feed the wee one lying down more often than not, so it's easy to set the iPad up and read while he drinks. That's my excuse, anyway. Man, there are a lot of uses for Nutella in cooking, and vinegar in cleaning. And bucket loads from SAHMs (stay at home 'moms') on how to organise your house, finances, family, faith, marriage... Here are my top tips from the internet on how to stay super on top of things when you are sleep deprived and every moment of your time is spend either interacting with your baby or drinking coffee while they sleep for 40 minutes, and how we have incorporated them into our lives.

Advice: Organise your pantry so that the least used items are on the top shelf, the most used items in the middle shelves, and bulk items on the lowest shelf. Make sure all of your packaged foods are in matching, clear containers that are labelled. 

Close enough: Our appliances are on the top shelf (stock pot, rice cooker and such). In the middle shelves is a wonderful mix of canned goods, pasta of all shapes and sizes, rice, tinned soup that has salt as the main ingredient, and an alarming number of half full (I'm an optimist) packets of crackers. The bottom shelf contains empty, matching, clear containers, ready-to-go, as well as an alarming number of canned tomatoes (my husband can't resist them when they're on special. Mock us now, but when the Zombpocolyps hits, we'll be happily chowing down on cold tinned tomatoes, waiting for the military to rescue us).

Advice: When you cook your evening meal, try to cook extra so you can freeze it and have it on a night when you're too busy to cook. This will stop you from ordering unhealthy take-away meals, saving you money and calories.

Close enough: When people come over, ask them to bring food so you can stock your freezer. When you can't be bothered reheating anything or cooking toast, press one on your speed dial, ask for the usual, and - hang the expense - get it delivered (the cost of going out after 4pm is too high).

Advice: It's important to maintain your hobbies when you have children, so you don't lose your identity, and can have some much-needed "me time". Use pretty boxes to organise your hobby items, and clearly label them. Have a designated room or nook where you can comfortably work and store your things.

Close enough: Stuff things haphazardly into the pretty boxes you bought from Ikea when you went in just to buy a whisk, labeling them as "craft" and place in the spare cupboard. Anything that comes in the post for one of six of your new hobbies you decided on at 3am after reading Pinterest, shove into a new box and experience the joy (and slight shame) of rediscovering it, unopened, 12 months from now. Yay! New hobby!

Advice: Set aside time with your spouse and show him how much you love him by cooking a special meal, presenting him with a home made card, or working on a hobby together, such as scrap booking.

Close enough: Greet your spouse when s/he walks in the door with more than a grunt. Organise baby sitting so you can go out for a few hours, then cancel it at the last minute because a) bubs is sick/whingey/wired, b) bubs is asleep and you want to enjoy the quiet in the comfort of your PJs, or c) sitting on the couch, staring at the same TV set at the same time after spending 3 hours getting your baby to sleep is quality time enough.

Advice: Make time to exercise. Try to do it as a family.

Close enough: When you can't settle your baby, pop him in the pram, pull on some shoes and stagger down the road. This is a good time to talk to each other about your day, the news, and how much you love your child despite having to walk him in your PJs at 1130pm to get him to sleep (after trying for 3 hours). In all honesty, those have been some really enjoyable moments :)

Advice: Love Jesus. Go to church.

Close enough: I have a hand knitted St Anthony doll that helps me find stuff after I've lost it. Works every time. Can I get a "Hallelujah!"?

Advice: Write down everything you spend, then write a budget and stick to it. Include fortnightly, monthly and yearly columns, and make sure you are saving 10% of your earnings.

Close enough: Select 'savings' over 'credit' when at the checkout. Pay your bills before the angry red letter.

I forgot to mention, you really must blog about every little thing you do. Make sure you sound like you are completely on top of things, and never forget to emphasise that, without your loving husband, beautiful children, sweet puppy and love for Jesus, you'd never get anything done. And none of your binders would match.

Dieting Tips from a New Mum

People often ask me how I lost  my baby weight. Here are my top dieting tips:

1. Try to have a varied diet. For example, for dinner on Monday, have a cheese, tomato and ham toasted sandwich; on Tuesday, add mustard.
2. Don't kid yourself : you're going to eat that leftover birthday cake. Make sure you put a piece on a plate and eat it in another room, rather than over the sink in the kitchen ; you're more likely to have seconds when it's next to you and you're taking bites straight out of the cake.
3. If you're lucky, your child will be a poor sleeper during the day, forcing you to take at least one walk for the desired duration of nap (eg, if he needs an hour long nap, you're going to have to walk for an hour).
4. You may be feeling bummed out about being on one income, but it does mean you can't have both coffee and cake when you find yourself at the nearest cafe after walking for an hour.
5. Breast feed if you can. Sure, it's good for the baby's health, bla bla bla, but it also means you can't drink too much alcohol before your sweet one starts solids (well, I suppose you can, but remember you'll have to pay for extra tutoring in high school).
6. There should be a small window once a day for about an hour you can cram an entire day's housework into. Work at warp speed, lose weight.
7. Again, a poor sleeper helps. Stand on the spot and rock or jig your baby, or walk around the house. For a real aerobic workout, combine all 3. Your baby still wont settle, but at least you can burn off some of that birthday cake.
8. Try to eat your chocolate stash in one sitting, so you wont be tempted to graze on it later.
9. Shop at expensive grocery stores so the prospect of refilling your chocolate stash after last night's binge is diminished. That, or the prospect of your family eating more than beans on toast for a week is increased.
10. Find methods other than eating to cope with the stresses of motherhood, such as long showers (when someone else is watching the wee one), drinking your own body weight in coffee (helps with points 3 and 7 if you time it right) or create a blog (and post entries rather than clean the house).

And don't worry too much about your weight : people are comparing you to when you were heavily pregnant, so you're always going to look slimmer in their eyes. 

Nap time: the final frontier

Before the 6 week mark, it didn't occur to me that nap time could become a battlefield. I don't feel as though I was adequately warned at any point by the myriad of health professionals and books I consulted (okay, it wasn't that many, but still) of what was to come. Here's a tip : that whole sleeping when they're tired deal wears off pretty quickly. Sleepy escalates to grumpy before you can say "I think you need a nap". So here's a few things that may help:

1. Stand and rock or jiggle your tiny one. Don't even bother attempting this sitting down; it results in crying. If your core is still recovering from pregnancy and birth, get your hands on a baby wrap/carrier so you don't end up chewing neurofen just to get through each day.
2. Have easy-to-eat food within reach. It gets mighty hard to soothe the savage beast when you're turning into one yourself. I recommend chocolate, mainly because I like it, but there's also stuff about serotonin release that's helpful.
3. Remind yourself that at some point, the survival instinct will kick in and he'll go to sleep.
4. Forget about the housework and think about what arse-sitting activity you will do when he finally is asleep.
5. Pass him to someone else. Just make sure you know them; do not trade you baby for a parcel from Catch of the Day when the postie comes to the door. You will regret it later.
6. Put crying baby into the pram and watch the miracle of a walk on a bumpy path unfold before your very eyes. Keep walking for at least 30 minutes to ensure he gets some sleep. Don't be fooled into thinking he will keep sleeping once you stop. This is a rare occurrence.
7. Replace pram with baby wrap/carrier or car.
8. Feed him (note: not always possible when he's tired, even if he's hungry).
9. Walk around the house and point out objects and explain their uses in a soft voice. This at least stops the crying for a while as he stares slack-jawed at the wonder that is the fridge. Seize the opportunity to put a boob/bottle in his mouth and hope for the best.
10. Stroke his ego and list all the people who love him whilst jiggling or patting him. You may need to make some up if it takes longer than anticipated.
11. Utilise a favourite chair/toy/song. Don't stress if he doesn't sleep in his own bed; as long as he gets some sleep anywhere is fine. If he's still sleeping in a chair when he's an adult, don't worry: he's the one paying the chiro bills.
12. Once he's asleep, stick around in case he wakes (unless he's sleeping on you. Then don't. Move. A muscle) and repeat whatever you did to get him to sleep if he stirs. See? There's no way you can do any housework, so quit worrying about it.
13. Remember that this is normal, and ignore anyone who claims their baby never went down without a fight. They're lying, or have blocked it out.
    
    Oh. And never move a sleeping baby after working hard to get them to the land of nod. Those little devils are light sleepers.

Things I have learned since becoming a mum

Another FB post written when O was asleep and I should have been doing housework...

Things I have learned since becoming a mum:

1. Baby brain is very real (I may have said that in a previous post. I can't remember).
2. Take it when you can get it. This applies to food, sleep, shopping, sex, food, exercise, etc.
   
3. Don't bother renting a movie. For some reason, you can manage to watch an entire TV series in 3 weeks, but can't make it through a 2 hour action movie that doesn't have a plot anyway.
4. You get to the point where you almost prefer a bout of screaming to incessant grizzling. Almost...
   
5. Before I was pregnant, I wore super judgey pants. With a matching cape. Now, well, shit, I'm too busy sorting out my own mess to worry about what other people are doing.
6. Baby brain is very real.
7. Driving a crying baby around to try to get them to sleep whilst wearing your PJs... Well, there are worse ways to spend a Sunday morning (I'm talking 10am!). Just don't go shopping like that. There is a line.
8. Baby panadol. Use it. The liver is an impressive organ, especially a new one.
9. Adult panadol. What do you care? You spent your 20's destroying your lover with tequila anyway.
10. Even during Wonder Weeks and teething, there are still enough fantastic moments to stop you from stuffing your belongings into a bag and tipping your hat to daddy as you run out the door. More than enough.

Roll up for the Baby Show

This is one of those Facebook statuses I posted when I was trapped by a sleeping baby with nothing but the iPad to pass the time. O was about 11 weeks old at the time, so sleep for everyone was less frequent than it used to be...

I'm inventing a new game show: the Baby Show, where parents compete to win an 8 hour sleep. It consists of the following challenges (based on the first 3 months. Challenges for subsequent months coming soon):

1. Leave the house before 12pm. Bonus points for leaving the house in the first shirt put on.
2. Change a nappy in a public toilet that has a concrete floor, no basin and no change table. Bonus points for not throwing a used nappy at the ceiling to see if shit sticks.
   
3. Make yourself a nutritious lunch and eat it before bebe wakes one of seventeen times during his nap. Bonus points for hot food.
4. Successfully feed a baby who is crying and refusing food because he's so hungry. Bonus points for not muttering sarcastic remarks.
5. Change a nappy and soothe your crying baby without waking from your dream where you are a 16 yo BMX bandit foiling a jewel thief. Bonus points if you dodge the pee.
6. Stay up past midnight on New Year's Eve. Bonus points if you make it to bed before midnight on Jan 1 when all you're doing is kicking around the house.
7. Drink every cup of tea or coffee you make throughout the day. Bonus points for making espresso at least once.
8. Go to a party and not discuss pregnancy, birth and everything that comes after, especially stories about poo. Bonus points if you can start a conversation about current events.
9. Don't eat junk food before 2pm. Bonus points if you make it to 8pm.
10. And finally, look at your little person and try not to smile. Good luck with that one; it's impossible.