Sunday, 4 August 2013

It is a truth universally acknowledged...

As I was making myself some toast at 4.30 this morning (O was happily emptying Tupperware* onto the kitchen floor), I was thinking about Mr Darcy - er, I  mean, Pride and Prejudice. I realised that, yes, whilst a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife who, when they first meet, can't stand the sight of him, and rejects his first proposal of marriage, then conveniently changes her mind after seeing his massive home and finding out that he's really nice to the help, there are quite a few other universal truths out there**:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that...
  • ...a mother dragged out of bed at 4am to play must be in want of peanut butter on toast. With an Oreo chaser. 
  • ...a baby with a room full of toys will be in want of the big blue button on the DVD player, and will climb over his own mother to get to it.
  • ...a mother who's son is in possession of toys that have 6 tinny songs in their repertoire will be in want of a hammer and five minutes alone with the lot of them.
  • ...fathers will pretend to sleep through anything. Put it to the test next time your baby is bawling at 4am.
  • ...your baby will play happily by himself at 5am until he realises you're on a roll with a post for your neglected parenting blog. And then he will assist by deleting half of it.
  • ...a baby in possession of a tongue will want to lick everything, especially the bottom of his mother's slippers.
  • ...a baby in possession of teeth will be like one of those Cockney kids in the movies who tests the coin by biting on it when the Gentleman flicks it his way. Except your baby tests everything but coins (and small batteries and bread bag ties etc). They're a choking hazard. Also, he's too small to earn his keep, so no pocket money til later.
  • ...a mother who has been up with her son since 4am will not be able to go back to sleep at 6am now that he's finally down again.
  • ...she will try, drop off at 6.59, get woken by baby, say some choice words, and make daddy deal with breakfast while she tries to get 15 minutes more.
  • It is a truth universally acknowledge that the scene where Mr Darcy dives into the lake is completely unnecessary but so damn hawt so who cares?
  • It is a truth universally acknowledged that a mother who has had 4 hours of broken sleep in a night will type a ridiculous blog post based on the greatest story ever told (wait... hang on...) and assume everyone will know what the hell she's talking about.
Oh, and one more thing: it is a truth universally acknowledged that a child in possession of a good mother will be loved and cherished, and will get away with doing this all over again tomorrow night because he's just so darn sweet, but his mother will make sure she reminds him of it when he has children and is complaining about being tired.

*Just kidding. It's that cheap crap from Ikea that stains and buckles if you look at it sideways.
**I'm literally typing what I see. He really does like to lick the bottom of my slippers. And you know what? I let him. I'm just that good a parent.

One more for the road. You're welcome, ladies.


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