Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Roll up for the Baby Show

This is one of those Facebook statuses I posted when I was trapped by a sleeping baby with nothing but the iPad to pass the time. O was about 11 weeks old at the time, so sleep for everyone was less frequent than it used to be...

I'm inventing a new game show: the Baby Show, where parents compete to win an 8 hour sleep. It consists of the following challenges (based on the first 3 months. Challenges for subsequent months coming soon):
  1. Leave the house before 12pm. Bonus points for leaving the house in the first shirt put on.
  2. Change a nappy in a public toilet that has a concrete floor, no basin and no change table. Bonus points for not throwing a used nappy at the ceiling to see if shit sticks.
  3. Make yourself a nutritious lunch and eat it before bebe wakes one of seventeen times during his nap. Bonus points for hot food.
  4. Successfully feed a baby who is crying and refusing food because he's so hungry. Bonus points for not muttering sarcastic remarks.
  5. Change a nappy and soothe your crying baby without waking from your dream where you are a 16 yo BMX bandit foiling a jewel thief. Bonus points if you dodge the pee.
  6. Stay up past midnight on New Year's Eve. Bonus points if you make it to bed before midnight on Jan 1 when all you're doing is kicking around the house.
  7. Drink every cup of tea or coffee you make throughout the day. Bonus points for making espresso at least once.
  8. Go to a party and not discuss pregnancy, birth and everything that comes after, especially stories about poo. Bonus points if you can start a conversation about current events.
  9. Don't eat junk food before 2pm. Bonus points if you make it to 8pm.
  10. And finally, look at your little person and try not to smile. Good luck with that one; it's impossible.

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